Thursday, September 03, 2009

Identity crisis

I was reading an article about young kids "nowadays" having such problems growing up and the hardships they endure, with peer pressure and blah blah blah. I think we all had something growing up that caused us to question ourselves. It may have been the cheerleaders, the dorks, the brainiacs. We all had some struggle as kids. When I was a kid, the color of my skin was my albatross. I had freckles, mostly on my arms, not too many on my face but I would study these little brown spots and wonder how they came to be. Now in perspective, you have to realize if I have idle time on my hands I can become quite dangerous, so bear with me on this one. So at one point I took a pen and did connect the dots on my arms and came home from school like that and was not met with the same joy I got out of doing it. Then I must have been thinking out loud, why I had freckles and some idiot adult told me that I was standing too close behind a cow and it was "shit spray" and it didn't wash off, ha ha ha ha ha...well this sent me into a scrubbing frenzy, I wanted those spots gone. My mom didn't have freckles she had nice tan skin, my dad was the carrier, my mom would tell me they will fade when I got's didn't??? So my next prognosis was I was black and white, that sent my mom into a third degree questioning of "where the hell did you get that Idea?" Well come on, look at a freckle it looks like an African American color on a white backround, did she not see that? I envied porcelain skinned girls, there smooth complextion, flawless and all one color like milk. Then, we went to the drive in theater. In those days, we wore pajamas to go and dad made a brown grocery bag of popcorn and the grease would seep through the bag and mom would complain dad used too much buttah!!! They had playgrounds under the screens and all the kids in their pajamas would go up there and play till the movie started. I was up there, and playing on the swings was a little brown girl, her skin was smooth and flawless and dark. I was intrigued...I wanted to get close so I struck up a conversation, but my intentions were to touch her smooth brown skin. I remember her sitting on a pipe fence and me doing aerobics and contortions around her until I did it.....I licked her....I admit it, I actually licked her, totally expecting to taste milk chocolate on my tongue. I made it look like an accident if you can believe that, but mission accomplished and with great disappointment. I think I almost cried, I went back to the car and told my mom and dad about the chocolate girl that wasn't really chocolate....can you just imagine my parents sitting in the front seat almost afraid to ask "how did you know that?" because they didn't ask, but my mom informed me that, that was a little "colored girl" aaahhhhh so now I was part colored??? No you are not part colored you are freckled. but freckles are colored? What if all of those freckles moved together?? Then would I be colored? JAN, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU HAVE FRECKLES!!!! DAMN FRECKLES, LOTS OF PEOPLE HAVE FRECKLES....DORIS DAY HAS FRECKLES!!!! Doris Day has freckles??????? How come I can't see them?
You know there are days when I am bored and looking at those freckles that didn't fade and still want to connect the dots!!!! Sometime I'll tell you about all the hickies I made on my arms, bored again?


Anonymous said...

Oh Jan if only I had a child like you. You made my night toooo. Have a great Labor Day holiday. You deserve a break.


Janyce said...

Lady, you need to write a book!!!!! I miss you! I need some free time to visit.