Tuesday, August 24, 2010

The hardest delete....

I was driving to go to breakfast this morning and passing over roads, my boyfriend and I would travel when he was sick.  He would get this deer in the headlights look from his medications, and I would say "let's go for a ride"  it distracted him and I loved to take rides.  He would drive slow and deliberate, sometimes it made me kind of crazy, I liked to drive...the "speed limit" at least.  As the cars would pile up behind us, I felt agravated and wanted to turn around and yell at them "he's dying, let him drive slow"  He would say, I don't want to drive fast, just to get there I want to enjoy the ride....lesson learned...enjoy the ride.  After he died, the hardest thing, the thing you can hold on to for just about ever, is the voice mail he left.  The voice from the grave, it was the hardest thing to delete.  I knew it was not healthy to keep playing it over and over, I knew I had to delete it, but it was my link to hearing him.  It wasn't a wonderful message of loving thoughts it actually was something like..."hey what are we doing for dinner? "  or "how did work go today?"  or maybe it was just a "give me a call when you get this".  I knew when I would press the delete, I could never retrieve it again...my finger hovered over the button, I knew it was not good to hang on to the past.  My finger feeling the soft smooth button beneath it, he is gone, let him go..."delete"
Of all the things in my life I deleted, that was the hardest, now I kind of wish I could hear him.  Sometimes when you lose someone you love, you are afraid you will forget what they look like or sound like....but you never really do....He reminded me today of our time together, driving slow and enjoying the ride.

No comments: