Saturday, November 06, 2010

It's not your fault

I just finished watching Oprah's TV show with over 200 men that were molested/raped when they were children.  It made me cry, and cry .....and cry!   How can these people that do this horrific thing to any child, be allowed to live?  They are thieves, they steal a child's soul and go on to live a normal life, and to do it again.  They can not be rehabilitated, they go under the radar to live among you and your families, they can be your family, and very likely are.  What an awful thing, as a parent to worry about it and try to be diligent about people surrounding your child.  I was molested by my sister's husband.  Every time I talk about it, it makes me feel lighter, no less burdened.  It is something I lived with in the weirdest of ways, I had to accept him at the dinner table as a family member.  I don't know how long it went on or when it started, I did tell.  I told my dad, and he wanted to kill  David, my mom said that he (my dad) would end up in jail, if he did.  My dad went to my defense, he wanted to protect me, my sister stayed married to him.  I think part of my betrayal is she chose to be with him a child molester, he hurt me and she went to bed with him every night knowing what he did to me.  I didn't comprehend that, then and or now, it disgusts me.   I realize just how fragile her life was and is, how he emotionally blackmailed her too.  I am sure he most likely told her, that I was lying.  Another form of abuse, but using her this time, not some kid.  Life went on, just like nothing happened and I felt that there was no punishment for him, I bear the burden of what he did to me.  Years of this and thinking it was my fault and doubting myself as if I was making it up.  Well I wasn't and it wasn't till years later when, I was told I do not have to have these people in my life, it is "OK" to not socialize with my Sister and her Husband, I took control of my life.  I do not go to functions that involve them and I am fine with that,  I feel liberated that I can make that decision, something I couldn't do as a child.  I forgive him, but I did not forget, my worry is that he has gone on to do this to some other child, his grandchildren who are oblivious to this monster.  I also blame my sister for not being more diligent and being aware of feeding these children to the wolves.  So life goes on and they live in their world and lurk behind the shadows of being a "nice" guy.  No one will know what he is capable of, no one can identify the family member or friend that has the beast inside him to do what they do to our children.   How scary is that?  Who do you trust?  How do you not become a distrusting person?  I personally want to see these people :marked: in some way, maybe a tattoo on their forehead, something that signals, this guy won't steal your wallet but he will hurt your child.  Some sort of warning, a Scarlet Letter.  No, there is no sign that they are sitting next to you, conversing and making you laugh and that I think, that is what scares me the most.

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