Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Different in America

My second marriage honeymoon was a wonderful cruise to the Western Carribean and the Panama Canal.  For a special treat, and in preparation for the Captains Dinner, I signed up for a massage spa treatment and a make over.  I have always loved makeup and spend way too much money buying little pots of eye color that I never even would consider wearing.  I was excited about my afternoon of indulgence, not that a cruise isn't enough of a treat.  I wore a little short black cotton jumpsuit with flip flops.  I wore this jumpsuit alot it was really cute and comfy and I probably wore it too much come to think about it.  So off I went for my spa treatment, I was met by a very nice young lady with a heavy British accent, very heavy accent and dressed in a clean white uniform.  I was led to a small little room with a massage bed that was at an angle to fit in the small cabin.  There were jars and dim lighting and it was soothingly warm and inviting.  Ms Brit told me to disrobe, completely, she left the room and as I took off my clothes there was no where to hang or lay anything so I left it in a heap on the floor, not unlike at home, but this was a public place...oh well, Ms Brit enters and I am laying under a soft white sheet on the massage table.  I am laying on my stomach and Missy starts applying oil and massaging me and then says "ould you ike an ott pad eatment, er back is quite ense?"  uhhhmm sure Ok, not quite sure what she is saying because mind you this is in uberfast speak, but I agree and she places a  heated pad on my back and it really does feel good.  After a great rub down she has me turn on my back and she is going to begin the facial.   I have never had a facial so this was going to be special.  There is little talking going on and I am relieved because I can't understand her anyway, and I think this is her intention, I will find out later.  She smooths a heavy cream on my face and begins to massage and push and prod and it does feel great, she wipes it off asks me if I would like "is a spechel pro uct an is oud fer er skin"  sure I say, I am under the spell of feelin good.  So on it goes and is applied with some little buzzing machine and is vibrating my sinus cavities and teeth and my skin is feeling really alive.  She begins to wipe all of this off and applies a nice warm towel and leaves the room for me to relax in my theraputic bliss.  She comes back in the room as Tatiana the Terror, she whips the towel off of my face and begins her speel.  I somehow can understand her better now, "Z cream I used is this one and is for you, I smile thinking I am getting a jar of wonderful spa cream and then she says, "is $100 American dollars.....gulp and that gulp is I am sitting on the edge of the table holding a sheet up against my bareness and she opens the cabin door slightly and I am not kidding kicks my clothes into the other room, one quick swipe of her leg and poof my clothes are gone, I think she may have a soccer backround?  Now I am getting nervous and am very naked and vulnerable.  She is offering me these great deals on lotions and potions and buy all of these at the low amazing cost of $300.00.  My heart is racing there is no way in hell that I am buying $300.00 worth of lotion, I don't care what kind of miracle it can do.  So I am trying to muster up some courage, remember I am naked, this chick has this routine down pat, get them naked and then attack.  She is mad at me, for not purchasing her fantastic cream and shoves the bill under my nose on a clipboard.  I may be naked but I can read, Holy crap?  You know that hot pad, $5.00, you know that little buzzing machine $30. plus the aromatic honey to lub the machine $10.  The only thing extra I didn't have to pay for was the sheet!!!!  So I signed my name and stood up, she left the room once again kicking my clothes that had landed right outside the door, back into the room.  I did the dress of shame, totally in disbelief that I had paid $100 over the already costly the make over.  My stomach was sick, what kind of swindling will I get in the next room.  Little known fact, America has health standards, you do not share makeup, you are not allowed to touch a persons skin without their approval/signature, you certainly do not use the same brushes, mascara etc.  News flash, we were not in America anymore!!!   There was a basket of trashed makeup, spilled powdered shadow, eyeliner pencils shavings, brushes sticking out like a pin cushion.  Tell me they were not going to apply "THAT" makeup?  Oh yes they were, and using the same brushes, no cleaning involved.  I had my clothes on and  told them I was late for "Bingo" and left.  I went back to my cabin and laid down to relax for the Captains dinner, yes I could have complained but no one would care, we left the shores of America a long time ago.  My ego and my wallet both needed soothing.

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