Monday, April 05, 2010
Opening your eyes
You know how you look at something and don't see it??? It might be a crack in the wall that you get used to looking at, or a tear in something. I don't know if we tend to avoid things that we know need addressing but just don't want to open that can of worms or what. I see my mom often, at least weekly, I talk to her almost daily. She is falling constantly, she is hitting all parts of her body and fortunately not breaking anything. She has cracked her head numerous times and had lots of stitches.
We are not a neglectful bunch we have had her to the Dr. and had every test they could think of, they have no idea what to do. We asked for a prescription for a scooter and the Dr. said no, she needs to walk. We agree, but, what would you rather give up, your legs or you mind??? Her legs are weak, her mind is good, if she falls and has a stroke she is trapped in a useless body. The Dr. recommended her wearing a helmut.....I so want to superglue a helmut to his head and see how he would like wearing a helmut all day. We got her a scooter, she doesn't want to use it, so she falls. Basically we know the call will be coming, she has fallen and broken something or worse. We as a son and daughter and daughter in law, at least are all in agreement with her situation. We all do our part and what we can, at least we share that and there is no question as to where this is going with her. We also discuss the situation getting worse, but sometimes it just hits you.
Yesterday we went for Easter, I met her at the entrance to her building and had to remind her when getting in the car, butt first mom, she still is used to moving like she did as early as 4 years ago, she always ran and never walked so to say....this has got to be killing her. I keep reminding her, she is 87 and not 30 and you will feel different, we all will. I say these things but don't really process them. We had a good day and Mike helped her to move from one place to another and she so enjoys his attention, she just glows with pride when she looks at him.
I dropped her off at the end of the day, I kissed her, hugged her and watched her walk into the building. I saw her as my mom....not some other old person....I saw my old mother slowly work her way to the door...her swift sure footedness had diminished into a slow unsteady shuffle, like she is carefully dragging concrete blocks through an obstacle course. She is tilted...my mom...the one whose posture was tall, straight and erect a proud woman...it was as though I saw her for the first time yesterday. Removed...Distant yet right in the midst of it. How it hurt me to see that woman, my whole self weeped for the person she was, to the person she has become physically.....I saw my mom, yesterday it made me cry.