Thursday, February 15, 2007

Happy Valentines Late...I was detained!


I made it....I am finished, I am clean and healthy....!!! Now, the story...I should have learned my lesson many years ago about what everyone says about surgery. Or procedures....In preparation for my colonoscopy on Valentines day, I was forewarned to be prepared...in the bathroom that is. Some comments I took to heart or arse were, "I should have brought the TV in there!", or I read a whole book!!" So that I didn't get caught with me pants down...hahahaa I did bring my little hand held TV and magazines and bought 40 gallons of Gatorade and Apple Juice and Jello. The first day you can only have clear liquids, I was panicking am I going to starve or what? Needless to say, I wasn't hungry ......at all??? I drank coffee, tea and chicken broth, and ate some jello, got my bathroom all fitted and drank the phosporus sodium...3 times in 30 minutes, put on my running shoes and sat on the edge of the couch in wait....2 hours later...wave one. Let's just say at the end of 3 hours, I was Shpeeing, you get the picture, but I never got to watch TV or read more than an advertisement in the magazine....Don't be afraid it is NOT that bad!!! In the morning, I was supposed to start at 5:00am but decided, two hours later puts me in Cheryls car on route to the clinic...? Ha..not to be caught in that situation, I got up at four, took Joey out for her job and started my regimen...let me say I was still Shpeeing, at 8ish...maybe it was nerves? So true to my word, while at home, I stuck a glitter heart on my butt...it survived the ride to the clinic but not the toilet seat at the clinic, as I turned to leave I noticed it stuck nicely to the seat and made Cheryl come and look at it, she did but with great hesitation. Not to be outwitted by a sticker I had a spare, in my pocket. I kept joking with the staff that I should at least get flowers or candy or a kiss for this invasion of my "Exit Only" orfice. When they put me in a little cold bathroom to get on a bunch of hospital gowns, backward, forward, do not tie..blah blah...I place the heart considerably close to exit, so as not to be missed. I get taken into the "Room" and the Dr. talked to me and I again insisted he at least buy me chocolates and he looked at my chart and said ...."uummm this IS your first time and we don't do chocolates till your second time!!" Ok he's cool, then they give me Demeral...ohhh baby, forget the chocolates!!! Next thing I know I am in the recovery room dazed and confused looking at my Dr. that is holding a piece of paper and showing me photos of my insides.....all woozy and bleary eyed, I am looking at a heart and not being able to process how my arse has a heart shape in it...I drunkenly state...AAAhhhhh isn't that cute...hoooooowww diiiiid yyoouu dooo thaaaaat? He smiles and says "You know how I did that? still not processing the sticker and Valentines and being concerned about getting chocolates...I must have looked like a love sick dawg...."That is soooooo cuuteee!!! then I think I went back to sleep....HHhmmmmm jokes on me, I now have photos of my colon and the heart which I share with you, taken by my Dr. with a colonoscopy scope!!! Please for your sake, get this done if you are over 50, it is really not bad, it is more of an inconveniance, than anything!! Besides they give your really good drugs!!

3 comments:

Lynn said...

That is hysterical! Gotta love a Doc that rolls with it. :) Glad to hear you survived!

Betty Wetty said...

Isn't it amazing how full of sh-t we are! You'd think your head would be caving in by the time you're done. That delightful drink they give you to start things rolling is something everyone should try. Yum. I'll have mine shaken not stirred please.

I hope you remembered the vaseline for your sore brown eye. Did they complain to you about how hard it was to get a line in because YOU'RE SO DEHYRATED! I wonder why.

The heart was a nice touch. I always wanted to put an arrow on my ass with a sign enter so they would put it in the correct orifice.

The drugs are great aren't they? The first one I had I was trying to talk to the Doc and he said to the nurse "more" I was out for hours. Dean wasn't to happy with me but hey it was my first time.

I'm glad you are okay but personally I think they should lower the age to 40, why wait until you are a middle aged for all that fun.

The picture of your insides is a nice touch too. Put it in the family album and don't forget to bring it out at Christmas.

Weaver said...

my mom always called that "pissing-shit" but I think I like shpeeing better :)